Trying to Be Helpful? Here Are 3 Things You Shouldn’t Say
published March 12, 2026
photo by Brett Jordan from unsplash.com
by Catharine Hannay, founder of MindfulTeachers.org
“Why don’t you just…?”
“You should take care of yourself.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
We don’t say these things in order to be hurtful or annoying. We want to be helpful by sharing advice and support, and by empathizing with the other person’s situation. But it’s important to think not only about our own intentions, but also about how we might be coming across in a way we didn’t intend.
1. “Why don't you just...?”
Hmm, why don’t I ‘just’ do that? Probably because:
a) The solution you’re suggesting wasn't obvious to me, and it feels insulting to hear that I should ‘just’ do it.
b) The solution you’re suggesting is obvious to me. I’ve already considered it.
c) The solution you’re suggesting wouldn't actually solve the problem in the way you think it would.
d) You've misidentified the problem.
e) Who asked you, anyway?
I find it much more helpful to hear something like,
“Have you already considered________?”
or
“Do you need to vent right now, or would you like me to help you think through this?”
If we want someone’s advice, we usually ask for it. Most of the time, if we mention a challenge we’re facing, we’re looking for support and validation, not for someone to tell us what to do.
2. “You should take care of yourself.”
An unsolicited “You should…” is usually about as welcome as “Why don’t you just…?”
For example, I did not find it at all helpful when a classmate told me,
“You shouldn’t eat cashews. They’re too high in fat. If you want a salty treat, you should eat pretzels instead.”
I had a full-time office job and was taking classes in the evening. I had to literally run from work to the subway to campus in order to get to class on time. (And I’m a former English teacher. When I use the word ‘literally,’ I don’t mean it figuratively.)
The evening I was scolded for eating cashews, I’d gotten off work a few minutes later than usual. I had to sprint to the subway, then sprint to the campus shuttle bus, then sprint to the classroom. As soon as our break started, I flew (figuratively) to the vending machine and grabbed the one option with any protein.
My classmate who told me to eat pretzels was trying to solve the wrong problem. I didn’t need diet advice, I needed to get some calories in my body ASAP because I was feeling faint.
Even if I had been looking for a salty treat, I wouldn’t have appreciated her critiquing my food choices.
Unless a situation is potentially dangerous:
“Please don’t have any more to drink, or let someone else drive you home.”
it’s better not to give unsolicited health advice, including mental health tips like “You should take care of yourself.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in authentic, sustainable self-care, especially for caregivers and people in the helping professions. (See, for example, “What Does It Really Mean to Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First?”)
I just don’t think most of us need to be told to take care of ourselves. It’s not as if we don’t know this. The problem is that we’re totally overwhelmed, and it feels invalidating to hear that we ‘should’ add yet another thing to the endless to-do list.
If you want to be supportive, you could say something like:
“I hope you get a chance to take a break soon.”
Even better, if you know the person well and this is a sincere offer:
“I’d be happy to _________ so you can get a bit of a break.”
3. “I know exactly how you feel.”
When people say this, they’re often making comparisons that really aren’t equivalent.
Martha Beck describes a particularly egregious example:
“After nursing a beloved father figure through his agonizing cancer death, my cousin Lydia was comforted by a woman who approached her at the funeral and said, ‘I know how you must be feeling. I mean, I’ve never known anyone who died; but I’ve had my legs waxed, and I bet this hurts just as much.”
Fortunately, that level of absurdity is extremely rare! But it’s all too common to think we understand someone’s circumstances better than we really do.
One of my friends kept getting annoyed with a colleague who knew “exactly how she felt.” Whenever she talked about her daughters, he he would say, “Oh, my girls are the same way.”
He was referring to his dogs.
(Not the same, fur baby folks. Really.)
We don’t need to know exactly how someone is feeling in order to empathize. After my mom’s funeral, one of the kindest things someone said was:
“I don’t know anything about your relationship with your mother, so I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. But I’m sure this must be very hard for you.”
I appreciated her offering support without making assumptions. And I think about that moment whenever I’m trying to offer support to someone else.
Conclusion
There’s often nothing we can really do to fix someone else’s problem or challenge or grief. But we can at least not add to their suffering by not offering ‘helpful’ comments that are actually invalidating.
And we can offer our support through our words, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice:
“I’m paying attention to you.”
“I care about you.”
Those are the messages we all really need to hear.
Related Posts
There are many more resources here at MindfulTeachers.org for practicing and teaching compassion and mindful communication, including the following posts: