Two Effective Ways to Motivate Teens
January 31, 2025
photo by cottonbro studio from pexels.com
by Catharine Hannay, founder of MindfulTeachers.org
One of the biggest challenges in dealing with teens is their (real or perceived) lack of motivation.
We often assume that young people will have the same goals we had at their age, or that they’ll share the goals we have for them.
We also tend to assume that they’ll change their behavior if we just keep pushing hard enough—in fact, this often causes them to dig in their heels even more.
Here are a couple of tips for encouraging positive behavioral changes without alienating teens.
Tip #1: Focus on What They Value
As Robyn Jackson puts it, if we want to motivate youth, “we have to reward them with currencies they value.” For example, teachers tend to assume kids will be motivated by grades, but that isn’t always the case.
One day, she observed a boy named Jesse who kept resisting a makeup test. He finally agreed after his teacher, Ms. Cynthia Gill, promised that if he did his best, she would make him a sandwich.
“‘Did you do your best?’ she asked him sternly. ‘Yes, Ms. Gill. I even went back over it to check my work.’
Cynthia flipped through the test and checked each page. Then, she went to her desk and took out a loaf of bread, a vat of generic peanut butter, a jar of store-brand jelly, and a plastic knife. She made what was perhaps the ugliest peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had ever seen.”
Jackson was baffled that Gill’s students were “willing to work so hard for something that seemed so trivial.”
Gill explained,
“You’re focusing on the wrong thing. It’s not the sandwich itself that matters. It’s the fact that I make it for them.
Cooking for someone else is one of the most nurturing acts a person can do. These kids don’t get enough nurturing at home. Jesse’s mother works two jobs. She doesn’t have time to make him a sandwich. So, when I make him a sandwich, he feels nurtured and loved.
Jesse has to know that I care about him before he will do anything else. When he feels like I care about him, he will do the work.”
(Never Work Harder Than Your Students p. 48-49)
This story reminds me of a teacher who rewards her classes with brownies when they finish a tough assignment.
“I don’t even make them from scratch,” she told me. “They come from a mix. But I add the most important ingredient: love.”
Of course, your students/patients/clients might have peanut or chocolate allergies, or there may be other reasons why it isn’t appropriate to bring them treats.
As Cynthia Gill explained, the point is not the peanut butter. The point is figuring out what’s actually important to them, rather than what we assume is important to them.
Tip #2: Offer Choices, Not Ultimatums
Pushing youth too hard usually just motivates them to push back against the adults rather than examining their own behavior. It tends to be far more effective to engage with them and try to understand what’s going on from their point of view. Even if they say something sarcastic or outrageous, that can actually be the entry point to a thoughtful discussion.
“Imagine an adolescent who says his goal is ‘To be able to smoke weed anytime I want.’ [… Asking] ‘What will being able to smoke weed all the time do for you?’ may lead to a discussion (if you are willing and open-minded) about a lack of alternative coping skills, the stresses or social issues he is facing, and how overwhelmed he may be feeling. […]
Without endorsing his goal of being able to smoke marijuana all the time, we can join with him on the goal of decreasing stress, maintaining social activity, and finding other ways to cope when marijuana is not available or cannot be used.”
Britt Rathbone and Julie Baron, What Works with Teens, p. 194-5
This advice is echoed by Dr. Sam Himelstein, the director of the Center for Adolescent Studies.
[indent quote]
“Of course I don’t think we should encourage youth to smoke marijuana. But coming down hard on them in an authoritarian way actually makes it less likely they’ll change their behavior. If you can skillfully start a conversation with them, you’re more likely to get the results you want.
They’re much more likely to follow our advice if they believe that we understand them and care about them, rather than just telling them ‘Don’t do drugs.’”
How to Talk About Marijuana so Teens Will Listen: 4 Essential Tips, from the Center for Adolescent Studies
In fact, at the end of a mindfulness-based substance abuse treatment group, one of the participants told Dr. Himelstein,
“I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you guys. […] Most of the staff here tell us what we do wrong and how we need to change. They don’t get it that it’s up to us if we want to change, not them.
I just wanted to give you a shout out because most therapists and teachers don’t get that, and you guys do. It made me feel more open to hear what you had to say.”
quoted in A Mindfulness-Based Approach to Working with High-Risk Adolescents, p. 64
Conclusion
There are two common mistakes when trying to motivate teens:
1. Focusing on a ‘reward’ the youth don’t actually value; and
2. Trying to force them to change.
Rather than lecturing or pushing them, you’ll be much more effective if you listen to what they want (or what they think they want) and help them think through their options and how they’ll be impacted by their own decisions.
Related Posts
There are many more resources on mindful communication and working effectively with teens here at MindfulTeachers.org, including the following posts:
About the Author
Catharine Hannay, M.A., is the founder of MindfulTeachers.org and the author of Being You: A Girl’s Guide to Mindfulness, a workbook for teen girls on mindfulness, compassion, and self-acceptance. CatharineHannay.com