Do You ‘Fight Right’ with Your Partner? 2 Tips for Communicating More Effectively
published October 6, 2024
Photo by Timur Weber at Pexels.com
by Catharine Hannay, founder of MindfulTeachers.org
In their book Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Communication, therapists and married couple Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman explain that conflict in and of itself isn’t bad. In fact, it might be necessary in order to understand each other’s perspectives and create a healthy relationship.
However, you can run into problems if you and your partner:
have different conflict styles; and/or
don’t balance negative interactions with positive ones.
(Please note: This article is about conflict within healthy relationships. If you think your relationship may be abusive, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has helpful resources, including “Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse.”)
1. Identify Your Conflict Style(s)
According to the Gottmans, there are three typical ‘conflict styles’ in healthy relationships.
Avoidant couples don’t talk about their points of disagreement, or they each state their position and leave it at that. They let each other be and don’t really try to resolve their differences. (p. 42)
Validators focus on compromise. “A classic hallmark of validators is that they are willing to abandon their position on something in order to stay out of big, volatile, emotions.” (p. 45)
Volatile couples tend to have a lot of heated debate. “They might even seem to enjoy arguing—for volatiles this is, in part, how they connect.” (p. 46)
None of these styles is necessarily better than the others, but it can be confusing and frustrating if you and your partner have different conflict styles:
“Imagine if two people sat down to play a board game and were handed two completely different sets of rules.” (p. 76)
Perhaps you feel resentful that your partner keeps pushing their own agenda while you’re bending over backwards trying to compromise. Or you might feel hurt and abandoned because your partner leaves the room when you’re passionately defending your point of view.
If you realize that you and your partner have different approaches to conflict, you can start figuring out a new set of ‘rules’ that works for both of you. For example, perhaps the validator could ‘agree to disagree,’ at least for the rest of the day. Or the more avoidant partner could agree to an uncomfortable conversation if the more volatile partner agrees to lower the volume.
2. Balance Out the Negativity
The Gottmans emphasize that successful couples can have any combination of the three conflict styles, as long as they have a “5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict.” (p. 48)
Negative interactions include:
“a biting comment,
an eye roll,
a raised voice,
a dismissive tone or gesture,
a scoff or a mocking laugh.”(p. 51)
In a healthy argument, for each of these negative types of interactions, you need at least five positive types of interactions. This could be an apology, expressing empathy or validation (‘good point’ or ‘fair enough’), a reassuring touch, or even something goofy—if your partner laughs with you and it breaks the tension.
Conclusion
The next time you have a disagreement with your partner, try to pause and think about:
whether you’re playing by the same rules; and
what kinds of positive interactions you can include to balance out the negativity.
(Of course, it’s very hard to do this in the heat of the moment, but it does get easier with practice!)
This will not only improve your relationship with your partner; it can also help you see the ways you can ‘fight right’ with your kids and in any other circumstances where you might be in conflict with someone.
About the Author
Catharine Hannay, M.A., is the founder of MindfulTeachers.org and the author of Being You: A Girl’s Guide to Mindfulness, a workbook for teen girls on mindfulness, compassion, and self-acceptance. CatharineHannay.com
Related Posts
There are many more resources here at MindfulTeachers.org on mindful communication and healthy relationships, including the following posts: